Boundaries in your Car

A co-worker is giving you a ride home from work. They have music on in their car. It’s not that it’s too loud, you just don’t like it. But hey! They are doing you a favor and they are in charge in their own car just as they are in their own house. So suck it up and shut up.  And Respect their turf!  Right? After all, you are not in charge here.They are.  But—some people try to be anyway. And this leads us right into “Boundaries”. Imagine this, it could easily happen. Will you stand up for your legitimate rights or let yourself get shamed into doing things their way? Who is in charge at *their* house? Likewise, you have the same rights. Here goes:

A family member is riding with you in *your* car and you have the radio or a music CD on while driving. Its music you really like, but they say the music sucks and to turn it off. How do you (or anyone reading this) feel about this conversation? Here is what I feel they would be likely to say, and my responses:

Them: Gawd, that music sucks. Shut it off.
Me: I like it and this is my car.
Them: But I’m a “captive audience”.
Me: #1–NO ONE forced you to ride with me! And its my car. Would you tell someone else what TV channel to have on if you were in their house?
Them: Well, iiiii wouldn’t do things like that. I’d shut it off it you were in my car.”
Me: Maybe. But you would be within your rights either way. But even aside from that: Your-choices-dont-obligate-me!
Them: well, you could have a little more consideration.
Me: IIII could? 2 replies: #1. who is on who’s “turf” here? When iiii’m the passenger, or a visitor at someone else’s place, I do things *their* way. They, or you, can show “consideration” and respect by doing the same for me. and #2. What would I do if you weren’t even here? I’d enjoy this music. Question: why should I diminish my enjoyment any less, or inhibit myself just because you are here?
Them: That sounds selfish. 15 minutes without your music wouldn’t kill you.
Me: And 15 minutes of hearing it won’t kill you, either. I am within my rights if its in my house, on my property or in my car. Just like you are.
Them: Gawd, I hate driving with you.
Me: I can stop the car. You are free to go. No one ever forced you at all.
Comment: There! That should cover the likely objections and arguments. One more thing—suppose I *did* give them their way on this bit with the radio. How soon would it be before they found 6 other ways and situations for me (or you) to be more “considerate” ? You get to be “courteous” but they will never admit to being “manipulative”, bossy, or trying to run things when they are at your place, will they? I didn’t think so. It’s an ongoing battle but we usually feel better when we stand up for our rights

 

HSP. Highly Sensitive Person.

I didn’t know it was “a thing”. Or is it? What do *you* think about it?

All of a sudden I am seeing posts written about something called a HSP, a “Highly Sensitive Person.”

I can understand being an Introvert. Some folks need more alone time. Or aren’t as talkative. But—

I just shake my head over this one. I am not a psychologist, but in my everyday layman’s opinion—this takes Introversion to a whole new level. If it were on-the-job, I have a hard time seeing how it *wouldn’t* be a disability! My opinion.

It is even tempting to say this is a new “fad ailment” or even a very slick passive-aggressive way of manipulating others. Here’s how: Many people back-down when with an overbearing, “aggressive/naricissist/”steamroller” type of person. We are walking on eggshells. We give-in just to “keep the peace”. But this Highly Sensitive Person stuff could be the other end of the scale. In this case, likewise, you can easily be on eggshells as you have to be constantly alert, not wanting to offend, overwhelm or hurt the HSP. But in both cases, YOU are the one who is on-guard, changing *your* behavior, making all sorts of accomodations, while the other person gets their way, with you. Passive-Aggressive manipulation? But there’s more–

To say it quite plainly, you simply cannot be yourself with these people! And that shouldn’t be, in a healthy relationship. So many things “overwhelm” them. It’s too draining.

Each interaction is all about being careful. And you have to do it, because if you don’t you can be immediately slapped with being “selfish, uncaring or insensitive”. This could be a very slick way of “playing helpless” and a passive-aggressive way of getting others to bend to the HSP’s wants and needs. Just the opposite end of the scale from dealing with “the Steamroller.”

But perhaps it IS a real medical “thing”, being an HSP. But if that’s the case, how many of us signed up to become caregivers? Imagine a high-school girl going on a first date with someone like this, and she dumps him after the first date. When asked why she did that, she replies: “he was boring and everything bothered him. I hope he can find happiness but I’m not his nurse. He was too draining. And there are 6 other guys I can go out with who would be more fun.” I can see that. Easily!

But what if it isn’t a medical condition? Is it? Some of the things I read about it make it sound, to me,  a bit related to Autism. But I’m not a Doctor.  Either way, I believe in sincere friendships, and helping someone through a rough patch in Life. However, I’ll bet that people like this (HSP) will very likely still be like this 8 yrs. later. I feel they need help beyond what I can give them. Even if they don’t need help, it becomes too taxing to continue being so on-guard with them each time we are together and making one accomodation after another. Being considerate and caring are good things, but they can also sometimes become an endless Black Hole. And I believe “Compassion fatigue” is also a real thing.
#HSP #Manipulation #Passive-Aggressive #HighlySensitivePerson #Depression #Psychology

Boundaries, Narcissism and Assertiveness

Boundaries! Personal Rights! How much will relatives or friends accuse you of being selfish or being a “narcissist” if you dare to lay down any rules? How do -you- decide whether it’s being “too controlling” or you are excersizing a legitimate right, even if someone else doesn’t like it?

Try this scenario:
Let’s assume you have your own car and your own separate place to live, but in the same town or within 25 minutes away.

Question: in your siblings house, who is in charge?
Answer: they are.
Why?
Because it”s their house. Simple.
Next question: who is in charge in their car?
Answer: they are.
Why?
Because it’s their car. Again, simple.

So! If they are a passenger in your car and you are driving, and you have the radio on, or a playing a CD in your car while driving, and they don’t like that song, or that kind of music and tell you: that music sucks. I don’t want to listen to that crap. Play it on your own time when I’m  not here.
What will you do?
Who is in charge in *their* car? Would an aquaintance or someone at work who’s car broke down and needs a ride, would that person tell you what to listen to or to shut it off? I think very likely NOT. Why should family have any more “power”?

Have you ever considered that their wanting you to shut it off is *their* way of being a control freak or trying to dominate you or for them to be “in charge”? Could it be another small way of them trying to manipulate you?

Suppose they said they would turn it off in their car if you didn’t like it. Do you believe them? And what if they did? Should their personal choices require you to be obligated?  What if they came into your house and told you to change the TV show (which you like) to something else? Do you really have to let people dominate you in little ways like this in order to not be “selfish” or “inconsiderate”? They don’t mind one bit that you are giving in to them, but who’s house is it?

It you can’t have boundaries:  1. In your own house, or
2. In your own car—where can you??  Where do they?
Do you disagree? Why?
#Boundaries #Manipulation #PowerTrips #Assertiveness #Respect #Communication #Family #PersonalRights #Teens #Adults #Guilt #Happiness #Relationships