Women that I wouldn’t Date

Some people are just too darn Incompatible. Or weird. Or a pain in the ass, Or boring as hell. I wouldn’t date them. People such as:

  1. Liberal Activists -(if whatever, is such a good idea, then YOU pay for it, instead of taxing and taking MY money).
  2. Social Justice Warriors-(it’s NEVER enough with those people. They already have just as much “rights” as white people, probably even more, due to affirmative-action and/or protected group status. But they always want more, MORE…….a lost cause. Quit bitching).
  3. Vegans, Vegetarians, Gluten-free Crusaders. These folks always LOSE at arm-wrestling, half of ’em look unhealthy anyway, or somewhat disheveled. So go enjoy yer bowl of Flaxseed and stay 20 miles away from me.
  4. Lavender-haired, nose-pierced or tattooed anybody. They are pathetic attention-starved weirdos trying to see how bad-ass OR outrageous they can be, to get attention. LOSERS.
  5. Politically-correct “politeness Nazi’s”. This doesn’t mean I’m going to see how crude I can be. I am simply not going to WORRY about it. I will speak my mind. You should, too. And this leads to—
  6. People who say crap and don’t back it up at all. Imagine being married to your Honey, and disagreeing with him/her on whatever, and then when you ask what makes them think that way, they say: Oh, i dont know. I just feel that way. Ahem! The question was WHY. So get in touch with yourself, you un-insightful moron.
  7. Disorganized people who always take 20 minutes to do anything that should only take 3 minutes.
  8. World-travelled “rich-bitches” who just got back from: Hawaii, Tuscany, Paris, etc. and who, even so, STILL whine about how they “deserve better”. Spoiled brats.
  9. Military brats (much as i DO respect the military) who always moved and never lived 5 or more years in any one place. Good chance they never really developed any friendships that were all that deep or lasting.
  10. Anyone who majored in “Women’s studies” (translation: feminist men-haters) or “Environmental studies” (Get outta my face. Go COMPOST something, ya butthead.)

I know what some of you are thinking: that I won’t be dating much of anybody. #1. You are simply–wrong. #2. I’m not even the LEAST bit worried about that.

Which leads to a general question: Do we EVER call anyone else a LOSER anymore? Do you? DID you ever? If you used to, why not now? Are you gonna take some politically/correct or “looking-good” answer and say: well, i was immature then but I’ve grown up now? Ha! How slick, and too convenient. GREAT! Then YOU can go out with all the LOSERS that I’m avoiding. And I’ll be Happier. Touche’!

Games Narcissists Play

Don’t let a Narcissist stop you from believing in yourself!  Your opinion DOES count! Your goals and dreams count. You have a right to them. You have a right to succeed–and to FEEL HAPPY about it. Despite their discouragement, or criticisms, or jealousy of you.

Narcissists are too controlling, domineering, they lack empathy, its all about them, and you get pushed into the background, ignored, put down and invalidated. Its an Awful way to live.  Get a job. Have your own car, your own phone. SEE your friends–without the Narcissist always being with you. Have your own laptop or tablet.  BELIEVE in yourself.

Here is a very informative video from Dr. Les Carter.  He clearly explains bad things a Narcissist will do to you, or tactics they will use against you. But there is Hope. Now, you know. You are aware. You have the knowledge. Use it, even silently, to survive and gain strength, and freedom from the Narcissist.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MwgWCH1iyUk      –theOwl30    PS– i post music/songs, and opinions on Psychology, Spirituality, Books, Old TV shows and more at:  http://www.thewordpressowl.wordpress.com

Dr. Les Carter, on Narcissism

Meet Dr. Les Carter.   Good information on recognizing and dealing with a Narcissist.

 

How to get even with a Narcissist by Stephanie Lyn

Narcissism stinks. And you don’t have to just sit there and take it.

It’s time you got even.  Meet Stephanie Lyn, a Life Coach. This is a good video. She is believable and helpful.

Boundaries in your Car

A co-worker is giving you a ride home from work. They have music on in their car. It’s not that it’s too loud, you just don’t like it. But hey! They are doing you a favor and they are in charge in their own car just as they are in their own house. So suck it up and shut up.  And Respect their turf!  Right? After all, you are not in charge here.They are.  But—some people try to be anyway. And this leads us right into “Boundaries”. Imagine this, it could easily happen. Will you stand up for your legitimate rights or let yourself get shamed into doing things their way? Who is in charge at *their* house? Likewise, you have the same rights. Here goes:

A family member is riding with you in *your* car and you have the radio or a music CD on while driving. Its music you really like, but they say the music sucks and to turn it off. How do you (or anyone reading this) feel about this conversation? Here is what I feel they would be likely to say, and my responses:

Them: Gawd, that music sucks. Shut it off.
Me: I like it and this is my car.
Them: But I’m a “captive audience”.
Me: #1–NO ONE forced you to ride with me! And its my car. Would you tell someone else what TV channel to have on if you were in their house?
Them: Well, iiiii wouldn’t do things like that. I’d shut it off it you were in my car.”
Me: Maybe. But you would be within your rights either way. But even aside from that: Your-choices-dont-obligate-me!
Them: well, you could have a little more consideration.
Me: IIII could? 2 replies: #1. who is on who’s “turf” here? When iiii’m the passenger, or a visitor at someone else’s place, I do things *their* way. They, or you, can show “consideration” and respect by doing the same for me. and #2. What would I do if you weren’t even here? I’d enjoy this music. Question: why should I diminish my enjoyment any less, or inhibit myself just because you are here?
Them: That sounds selfish. 15 minutes without your music wouldn’t kill you.
Me: And 15 minutes of hearing it won’t kill you, either. I am within my rights if its in my house, on my property or in my car. Just like you are.
Them: Gawd, I hate driving with you.
Me: I can stop the car. You are free to go. No one ever forced you at all.
Comment: There! That should cover the likely objections and arguments. One more thing—suppose I *did* give them their way on this bit with the radio. How soon would it be before they found 6 other ways and situations for me (or you) to be more “considerate” ? You get to be “courteous” but they will never admit to being “manipulative”, bossy, or trying to run things when they are at your place, will they? I didn’t think so. It’s an ongoing battle but we usually feel better when we stand up for our rights

 

Boundaries & Family. “Kindness” or Manipulation?

There is a good book on Boundaries, which you can get through Amazon.com called: Where To Draw The Line, by Anne Katherine.

But here’s a scenario/question I’d like to share, not in the book.
Who is in charge in your house or apartment? You are, or should be. Why? Because it’s *your* place! But if that’s true, then what if:

Your brother or sister comes over to stay for a few days, maybe a week. Let’s say your parents are also coming over, too and that you have a 2 or 3 bedroom place, so there is room for everyone to stay overnight. Even though they are family, you are still in charge of your own place and family or not, they should “respect your house” and that it’s “your house, your rules”. After all, who is in charge in their house? Simple enough. But what if your brother or sister decided to intrude on or ignore your boundaries “by doing a good thing”? Such as: Family is visiting you. Let’s say you go to the Mall in the daytime because you enjoy it and will be gone all afternoon til say, an hour before dinner. But, while you were out, let’s say your brother or your sister got the bright idea of going the grocery store, buying some meat, veggies and a bunch of food items and–without informing or asking you at all–just decided that they would cook dinner for everyone, using your kitchen, and they wont let you pay them back for the food they bought. You come back from the Mall, walk in the door and its 15 minutes before everything is ready.

It might be very tempting to just say: KEWWWL! Somebody cooked for me and it didnt cost me a dime, but—think further. is it really as simple and innocent as that? Or, would you feel like someone else “took over” and “ran right over you without asking first”? Maybe so they could one-up you and be “star of the show” in your own house? Or at the very least, ignoring you and overstepping their bounds? Let’s go further still. Suppose you do think so, but that your Mom or Dad defends that person, saying how it was all so “kind-hearted” of them, would you still think it was wrong? Are you going by what you feel or how others tell you how you should feel? How would you feel? Why? What if after dinner you all wanted to go see a movie and this same person picked the one you will all go to see, while visiting your house? Don’t you feel like this person is “taking over”? If no, why not? If yes, suppose they offered to pay the bill for everyone, does that mean they get their way or make the decision? Beware of manipulators offering gifts. How do you feel about all this? Boundaries are a very interesting topic.  –  TheOwl30

 

Taking Another Look at Love & Relationship Advice

I am glad to discover more younger people writing posts about Personal growth and thinking about relationships. At least they are analyzing their life and taking time to think. This is good!

But let’s go a bit deeper. I offer some thoughts & challenges. There are so many slogans and sayings we hear often these days, but are they really true? Things such as:
1. “It’s not what happens to you but how you react to it.” Really? Yes and no.

You *are* often free to walk away from things, -but-, when folks say it’s not what happens to you but how you react to it…really? 99 times out of 100 that’s just a beating around the bush way of implying we should put up with it, not react, and not let it get to us. At least it amounts to that.

Their advice is all about “enduring” it, but not stopping it.

So let’s ask them: Really?!? Would you honestly tell that to a wife who gets beaten by an alcoholic husband that it’s not what happens, it’s just her reaction? It DOES get to you, or her, and it isn’t just her reaction. It’s a just plain bad circumstance and the guy is an Ass! This leads me to something else:

2. “I love him/her Unconditionally”.  Really? No. I don’t think so.

There are *always* “conditions”. Again, would you allow yourself to be beaten by a raging alcoholic and still say:…”but I love him/her Unconditionally”? I hope not. You will love him/her AS LONG AS you are not horribly mistreated. That’s a “condition” right there. And it should be. There is more:

3. Maybe you say: “I’m learning to let things end when they need to.” Ok, but—How soon is that? There are less and less married couples these days who are together long enough to celebrate their 30th wedding Anniversary. I am reminded of an old couple being asked how they managed to stay together so long and they replied: “You see, we were born in a time before things were disposable. We made an effort to fix things instead of just casually throwing them away”. Food for thought. On the other hand, maybe you had alot of “sparks” and lust in the beginning but now that that has toned down, you realize how little else you really have in common and it’s time to go. Only you can decide.

4. Some people say they “live without expectations”. I feel this is unrealistic. Everyone has expectations.

It might be true that if you don’t have them, you will feel less hurt. But A) it wont stop the loneliness and B) if you don’t have any expectations and just “let it happen”, doesn’t this sound like resignation and setting yourself up to be a doormat? So I offer this next one:

5. How about trying this: Make two short lists. The first list is: 5 short deal-breakers or pet peeves that you absolutely DO NOT WANT in a romantic long-term relationship. The 2nd list is 5 things you definitely DO want from your boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife. Its easy to be so “busy”. I hope I take the time, myself, to do this later.

I’m no expert, just a guy who has fun kicking ideas around. I am theOwl30. You can find my site at: thewordpressowl.wordpress.com Thanks for reading this. I also post about: Music, Books, TV, Psychology & more.
#Relationships #Romance #Love #SelfImage #20-Somethings #Communication #Happiness

Being “Human” & “Recovery”

This will not be a popular post. It isn’t “Politically correct”. But underneath any irritation you might feel, I suspect there is some embaressment.

I have grown tired of people who are always the ones to so quickly say:

  1. “It’s a process.” or–
  2. I’M “a work in progress”. Or–
  3. Well, making a mistake just shows you’re human.  or–
  4. I’m “working on it” but I’m “still in recovery.”

That’s the Problem!  More on that in just a bit but first–

Yes, it is good if you needed help and got yourself into recovery. Also, none of us is perfect and we will make mistakes and we are human.

The problem is:

  1. They never seem to “get Recovered!” They are always still recover-ING! and-
  2. (I said it wasn’t politically correct)–mark it down. The ones who are quickest to say: well, a mistake just shows you’re human….these are THE same people who will screw up –the most often–, as opposed to the ones who don’t make a point to say that. It may be True, and it is, but still, you can bet that the ones in the group who say it out loud will be the FIRST ones to re-screw-up, soonest, and most often. Because, after all—
  3. They are a work “in Progress”.

But that’s exactly my point. Nobody ever “arrives” or “gets there”.  Where is the person who “has Overcome!” ?  No, they are still overcom-ING. But they are never “there” yet. It’s always “in the process”.  Ughhh!

But isn’t Life a matter of continued learning?  Yes, it is, and hopefully you care about that. But I don’t feel that means we go on and on for years with the same problem and call it “a work in progress”. I’d rather learn, apply, work on it, and fix what’s wrong and “overcome”. Life will likely have new problems, anyway. To put it bluntly, always “working on it” but never finishing it…always recover-ING but never being recovered….repeatedly screwing up and casually chalking it up to “being human”, is simply much, much too often a lame excuse for NEVER GETTING BETTER.  And they don’t. Far, far too often. (So  much for “caring” about Self-improvement and personal growth.).

I can hear the criticism now: “well! I’m glad *you’re* perfect.” Reply: I’m not. But I make an effort to not keep repeating the -same- mistakes.  Reply#2:  6 months from now, I may still have problems, but at least they won’t still be the same ones!

Broken people don’t make Healthy couples!  Get well. Be whole. Get there.

 

 

“Dear HSP, Depressed, and Sensitive

Dear HSP, Depressed and “Sensitive”,

We all deserve to be Happy.

Personal-growth, happy experiences and emotional health, matter.

Therefore, I’m going to make 2018 a better year. By not wasting any more time being endlessly patient, or to continue tolerating others who practically “glorify sickness”, or broken-ness, or Autism, or Depression or introversion, or “sensitivity”.

I WAS THERE, when you were hurting. I WAS THERE when you needed Understanding! I WAS THERE when you needed someone to listen. And I did. For far too long.
And you never got better.
After all this time, you’re as miserable and struggling as ever and it has now become a matter of my own self-preservation!

I can’t take anymore. Life is passing *me* by, and I was still patient with you! But you’ve exhausted me.

Since Love is a mutual thing, even among friends, I’m leaving.      To make my own better times. While I still can. Before I’m too old.

I owe this to myself. We all do. Without guilt. They say: “Life is too short” and dealing with all of this is the proof! But no more. My personal happiness has been denied too long and “caring” has sucked me dry. Meanwhile, as the months, and even years went by, LIFE has been passing me by. It isn’t right. It isn’t Healthy! Sometimes I feel like you are hiding behind “being sensitive” as an excuse to have folks be extra-nice to you as you make practically zero efforts to improve anything. What *are* you doing? How “caring” are you?

So, I hope you find a good therapist. And good medication from a Doctor if you need it. Or a different & better medication from your doctor if your current one isn’t working. I’m done with waiting for better times, someday.

I can’t wait another year for you to get better.
I *had* patience, lots of it, already. But you have to *want* to get better! Do you? What steps are you taking right now to become happier? To have less stress? To smile and laugh more. To be more confident. To be less rattled.
I can’t fix you. And a healthy person wouldn’t want me trying to “fix” them.

Broken people don’t make healthy couples!  So, work on yourself.
The Sun is out. The air is fresh. And there’s a world of Happy, yes happy, experiences and people out there. It’s high-time I enjoyed them!  Starting now. So I’m moving on and doing that!  This is nothing for me to apologize for or feel guilty about.
I do not mean any harm. I wish you well. I hope you find happiness, but it can no longer be with me. I was there for you, for too long. Hiding behind “being sensitive” is no excuse for your continued lack of action. Go get some professional help.

#Self-Preservation #Happiness #Survival #HSP #Depression #Relationships

HSP. Highly Sensitive Person.

I didn’t know it was “a thing”. Or is it? What do *you* think about it?

All of a sudden I am seeing posts written about something called a HSP, a “Highly Sensitive Person.”

I can understand being an Introvert. Some folks need more alone time. Or aren’t as talkative. But—

I just shake my head over this one. I am not a psychologist, but in my everyday layman’s opinion—this takes Introversion to a whole new level. If it were on-the-job, I have a hard time seeing how it *wouldn’t* be a disability! My opinion.

It is even tempting to say this is a new “fad ailment” or even a very slick passive-aggressive way of manipulating others. Here’s how: Many people back-down when with an overbearing, “aggressive/naricissist/”steamroller” type of person. We are walking on eggshells. We give-in just to “keep the peace”. But this Highly Sensitive Person stuff could be the other end of the scale. In this case, likewise, you can easily be on eggshells as you have to be constantly alert, not wanting to offend, overwhelm or hurt the HSP. But in both cases, YOU are the one who is on-guard, changing *your* behavior, making all sorts of accomodations, while the other person gets their way, with you. Passive-Aggressive manipulation? But there’s more–

To say it quite plainly, you simply cannot be yourself with these people! And that shouldn’t be, in a healthy relationship. So many things “overwhelm” them. It’s too draining.

Each interaction is all about being careful. And you have to do it, because if you don’t you can be immediately slapped with being “selfish, uncaring or insensitive”. This could be a very slick way of “playing helpless” and a passive-aggressive way of getting others to bend to the HSP’s wants and needs. Just the opposite end of the scale from dealing with “the Steamroller.”

But perhaps it IS a real medical “thing”, being an HSP. But if that’s the case, how many of us signed up to become caregivers? Imagine a high-school girl going on a first date with someone like this, and she dumps him after the first date. When asked why she did that, she replies: “he was boring and everything bothered him. I hope he can find happiness but I’m not his nurse. He was too draining. And there are 6 other guys I can go out with who would be more fun.” I can see that. Easily!

But what if it isn’t a medical condition? Is it? Some of the things I read about it make it sound, to me,  a bit related to Autism. But I’m not a Doctor.  Either way, I believe in sincere friendships, and helping someone through a rough patch in Life. However, I’ll bet that people like this (HSP) will very likely still be like this 8 yrs. later. I feel they need help beyond what I can give them. Even if they don’t need help, it becomes too taxing to continue being so on-guard with them each time we are together and making one accomodation after another. Being considerate and caring are good things, but they can also sometimes become an endless Black Hole. And I believe “Compassion fatigue” is also a real thing.
#HSP #Manipulation #Passive-Aggressive #HighlySensitivePerson #Depression #Psychology

Friendship & Respect

Things We Shouldn’t Have To Say To New Friends But Want Them To Know Anyway
1. Call first, before you come over. Don’t surprise me.
2. When I say: Sure! Come on over…that means –you.  ONLY you! Don’t bring over 2 of your buddies from work, or any kid in diapers, or your dog.
3. Unless it’s an emergency, don’t call before 9am or after 8pm. I probably won’t answer my phone. I’ll do the same.
4. When you come over, don’t block my car in the driveway.
5. Don’t walk in with your unfinished burger & fries, bag of potato chips or soda pop. I didn’t invite you over to dump your garbage.  I have food, or will offer you a beer, or we’ll go somewhere.
6. Absolutely no smoking in my place.
Do I really need to say these things? Yes, as I feel there are just too many all-too-casual and lax people out there. I’m within my rights. So are you, the other way around.
Who is in charge at *your* house?

Now let’s dare to go one step further. What if I said: when you come over, leave your cell phone out in your car. Why? (This one, I may not actually do, but it’s tempting. The other things listed above are more important).
Because if you’re coming over, it should be to visit and talk to each other. So let’s do that. And you’ll have my attention, too. What I don’t want to happen is to have you no sooner arrive and in 2 minutes your phone rings and you gab and yak and talk and gab on your phone with one of your other friends for 25 minutes right in front of me as I sit there, uninvolved. No way!

Now that’s a good test-scenario. I wonder how most “pro-boundary people” would handle that one. One person gets accused of “flexing their muscles too much” while the other one is rude and inconsiderate. Cute! What do you think, and Why? People say we all have the right to have Boundaries, but will we be “control freaks” if we do? Feel free to leave a comment, below.  See my other posts at: thewordpressowl.wordpress.com
#Boundaries #Friends #Assertiveness #Communication #Psychology #Courtesy #Respect #20-Somethings,  #Love, #Relationships #Phones #Psychology #Personality  #Friendship

Boundaries, Narcissism and Assertiveness

Boundaries! Personal Rights! How much will relatives or friends accuse you of being selfish or being a “narcissist” if you dare to lay down any rules? How do -you- decide whether it’s being “too controlling” or you are excersizing a legitimate right, even if someone else doesn’t like it?

Try this scenario:
Let’s assume you have your own car and your own separate place to live, but in the same town or within 25 minutes away.

Question: in your siblings house, who is in charge?
Answer: they are.
Why?
Because it”s their house. Simple.
Next question: who is in charge in their car?
Answer: they are.
Why?
Because it’s their car. Again, simple.

So! If they are a passenger in your car and you are driving, and you have the radio on, or a playing a CD in your car while driving, and they don’t like that song, or that kind of music and tell you: that music sucks. I don’t want to listen to that crap. Play it on your own time when I’m  not here.
What will you do?
Who is in charge in *their* car? Would an aquaintance or someone at work who’s car broke down and needs a ride, would that person tell you what to listen to or to shut it off? I think very likely NOT. Why should family have any more “power”?

Have you ever considered that their wanting you to shut it off is *their* way of being a control freak or trying to dominate you or for them to be “in charge”? Could it be another small way of them trying to manipulate you?

Suppose they said they would turn it off in their car if you didn’t like it. Do you believe them? And what if they did? Should their personal choices require you to be obligated?  What if they came into your house and told you to change the TV show (which you like) to something else? Do you really have to let people dominate you in little ways like this in order to not be “selfish” or “inconsiderate”? They don’t mind one bit that you are giving in to them, but who’s house is it?

It you can’t have boundaries:  1. In your own house, or
2. In your own car—where can you??  Where do they?
Do you disagree? Why?
#Boundaries #Manipulation #PowerTrips #Assertiveness #Respect #Communication #Family #PersonalRights #Teens #Adults #Guilt #Happiness #Relationships

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